I Don’t Wanna Hear It!
How to Respond Respectfully to Uncomfortable History
Have you ever sat down to eat something really delicious, only to have someone start talking loudly about something which suddenly kills your hard-earned appetite?
“Shut the hell up!” You might snap at them. “I’m eating!”
Now, no one wants to have a conversation about, say, bodily fluids or hear a detailed description of the neighbour’s sex-life while they’re about to chow down on a burger, and you have every right to stop that discussion dead in its tracks.
But does that same right extend to every subject that makes you uncomfortable, in all circumstances?
As a child, I was taught that I didn’t have to talk about things that made me upset or uncomfortable. I could tell people “I’m uncomfortable talking about that,” and stop the conversation. Power to my parents for giving me those tools to avoid icky conversations with adults, but there comes a time in every adult person’s life where they need to consider if the ‘uncomfortable conversation’ is one worth having or listening to.
Of course, there are exceptions. If someone is discussing something illegal or harmful, you have every right to leave that conversation and, if it is safe for you to do so, you should report that person to the authorities. I stress again, only do this if it is safe. In Australia, you can make an anonymous call to Crimestoppers on 1800 333 000, or report anonymously online at: https://www.crimestoppersvic.com.au/report-a-crime/. If yours or someone else’s life is in immediate danger, please call 000 (triple zero) for emergency services.
Another exception is a conversation which you find triggering (and if you’re going to squawk about ‘the snowflake generation’ and trigger warnings, then get in the bin!) or subjects which are personally distressing. You are entitled to leave that conversation and go somewhere safe. Ending the conversation in these circumstances might not always be possible, as it may be an important conversation for others to have, but you can always leave if it’s too much for you. If the conversation moves into offensive territory, e.g. people start using racist or sexist ideologies to justify their views, then you have a right to either call it out or walk away, whichever is safer for you.
But what about history? What do we do when history makes us uncomfortable? Can we walk away from it? Demand others not talk about it? Insist that we only discuss historical topics which make appropriate dinner table conversation?
You can walk away, although I wonder if you should.
As I’ve said before, the past isn’t nice. It was full of brutality, pain and suffering. War. Slavery. Famine. Natural Disasters. Genocide. Epidemics. Colonialism. Some types of suffering didn’t discriminate, while others were deliberately inflicted on one group of people by another. It is the latter type of history which is often challenged, and that makes some people clap their hands over their ears and shout I don’t want to talk about that!
But we need to have these conversations.
Every country, city, town, village, and family has parts of their history they don’t want to talk about. Many of the reckonings happening now are long overdue, especially those occuring at large institutions, such as universities and museums. So what can we do, as both individuals and societies, when uncomfortable history comes calling?
Respond Respectfully: L-E-A-R-N
John Donne famously said “No Man Is An Island.” He used the gendered terminology of his time, so let’s use a more appropriate modern phrase: “No Person Is An Island.” Everyone is connected to others in some way, this can be a literal connection to people around you, but can also be a connection to shared knowledge or understanding of the past. Some cultures have specific words for these kinds of historical connections, but we are all linked, in many ways, to our own history, the history of our families, countries and communities, and that of the people around us.
Discomfort arises when one group (usually the dominant group) is forced to reckon with aspects of the past which do not align with their modern values, or which threaten their understanding of their own individual ability. I’m going to use mostly examples from Australia here, as this is the area I specialise in and which I’m most familiar with, but you will be able to find parallels in the history of your own country or community. So what should you do when confronted with uncomfortable history? You can LEARN.
1. Listen
Before you decide you don’t want to participate in the discussion, consider what is actually being said. Are you being personally attacked? Does the subject have anything to do with you, or are you uncomfortable because your world view is being challenged? Stay and lean into it. You’ve got a chance to learn something here.
2. Educate Yourself
Learn about the topic. If you’re at a conference or professional gathering, it might be appropriate to approach the speaker or presenter and say you were interested in their paper and ask them if they have any sources they could recommend, as you’d like to learn more. If you’re in a more informal environment, or you don’t know the person speaking well enough to approach them (or, for personal reasons, don’t want to) then the internet is at your disposal. You can find documentaries, journal articles (sometimes these are behind paywalls, but open source history is becoming more common, or your public library may have a journal database subscription you can access), books, and even art which will help broaden your knowledge.
Using the example of the effect of colonisation on Indigenous Australians, I had a vague understanding from my schooling that ‘bad things’ had happened, but it wasn’t until I started looking deeply into the topic that I really understood what ‘colonisation’ meant, and what the ripple effects were for Indigenous communities. Sources which helped me were The Australia Wars (SBS On Demand), Servant or Slave? (SBS On Demand), The Bringing Them Home Report (Government Publication, 1994), and The First Inventors (Channel 10).
Whatever the subject, don’t ask people to teach you for free, and make a real effort to understand. If you go in looking for ways to soothe your feelings, you’re only going to be disappointed.
3. Ask Questions
This is part of the education process, but it’s more of a self-reflective step. Why do you find this topic uncomfortable? The material itself may be gruesome, but is that all that’s bothering you? I’ve read John Batman’s diaries, and his graphic accounts of the tortures he inflicted on Indigenous Australians are beyond discomforting, but it isn’t only their nature which makes me queasy. I don’t like talking (or even thinking!) about what John Batman did because it is so far outside my understanding of how human beings should treat each other that I have no frame of reference for it.
It would be easy for me, when Batman comes up in conversation and I am reminded of those horrible things I read, to slip out of that discussion, but it achieves nothing. Some might argue that whether I stay or go changes nothing, but if I let my discomfort and disgust cut me off from fully engaging with the past, then I won’t learn anything. I’m a white immigrant to Australia, so I have benefitted from the system Batman implemented when he violently drove the Indigenous people out of what is now Melbourne. If I don’t engage, I lose the opportunity to learn how to move forward and be part of a solution.
4. Realise
It’s not about you. Many people find history uncomfortable because one or more of the social groups they belong to committed some kind of atrocity, and they feel the need to defend themselves. I didn’t do that!
No one said you did.
Realise that the actions of your social group in the past are not a personal judgement on you. You cannot change what happened, but you can be part of the solution moving forward.
5. Now, Move Forward
You’ve listened, you’ve educated yourself, you’ve asked questions and interrogated your discomfort, you’ve realised it’s not about you, now you’re ready to move forward. Engaging with uncomfortable history isn’t about feeling ashamed of what your social group did, but about recognising that we are all connected to the past, and that we need to be part of the solution. Barriers created in history still exist in the present, and it is only by engaging with uncomfortable topics that those of us not affected by these barriers can see them.
John Batman (and other early European colonists in Victoria) violently massacred the Indigenous people and said ‘Free Land!’ and created policies which benefited them, and people like them, at the expense of the Indigenous survivors. For example, the colonists created ‘wage tiers’ to ensure that Indigenous people who were employed as labourers or station hands could not earn as much as their white counterparts, and were more likely to remain impoverished and dependent on charity, which came with strings attached. In the same way that generational wealth creates privilege, generational poverty creates disadvantage. It is possible to break out of this cycle, but when it is baked into the system, even if that system changes, people require assistance to leave it.
That is why programs such as affirmative action in hiring and enrollment are necessary for groups such as Indigenous people who have, historically, suffered from generational poverty, deliberately inflicted on them by settler-colonists. It’s why diversion programs exist to try and keep young Indigenous people out of prison, where they are seriously over-represented due to past and present laws and policies which have criminalised their existence. These are just two examples out of many, and there’s still more to be done. Moving forward with the affected community (rather than paternalistically thinking the dominant group knows better and leading them in a direction they do not wish to be taken) won’t change the past, but it offers a vision for a more equitable future.
In Conclusion
History isn’t about you, but it affects us all. The sooner we stop allowing uncomfortable history to stop us from interrogating the past and finding ways to move forward with affected communities, the better and stronger we will be as a society.
We can’t change the past, but we can make the future.
We just have to be brave enough to learn.